The Not So Malfoy Moments
by Heart Is My Pinata
Summary: A collection of fics-song or otherwise-in which strange things come about in Draco Malfoy's life. Feel free to PM me with requests! Read, review, enjoy! HP and all it's characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Which sucks for me :P
1. Hey Juliet

"Did you know a slug has four noses?"

"Really?"

"No. I'm lying." Draco Malfoy drawled, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Granger, why the bloody hell would I lie about the number of nostrils a mollusk possesses?"

Suddenly, a pair of brown eyes flashed up, gazing at the flaxen-haired boy. The owner of said eyes, Hermione Granger, sat erect now, staring blankly at the speaker.

"You mean noses, Draco. A nose contains nostrils. They aren't the same thing. If what you said were correct, then a slug would have eight nostrils. That is, assuming they have two nostrils per nose." She articulated blandly, before dropping her eyes back down to her parchment and continuing to scribble on it feverishly. Draco paused, pursing his lips to prevent the smirk that he felt coming on. He brushed the feather-end of his quill beneath his nose; lightly, it caressed the skin above his upper lip. Thinking. Then, again, he spoke.

"I could lie about much more important things. I could tell you how gorgeous you are today. I could tell you I loved you. I could tell the whole school I loved you. And then I could tell them I was a hideous three-headed male-medusa. Lies are wonderful aren't they?" He mused, a slight smile tickling his lips. He pressed his elbow to the oak-wood tabletop and rested his perfectly chiseled chin in his large, pale hand. He gave a slight smile at Hermione, whose eyes were now fixated on him.

"So you're not completely tossing the idea that I could be attractive any other day of the year?" Hermione asked coldly, narrowing her eyes.

"You are a truly attractive creature, Granger." Draco said, voice devoid of emotion. "You have no idea how hard it is for me to resist taking you _right this minute_. That bush sitting upon your head drives me mad with desire, Hermione."

And thus, Hermione Granger loathed Draco Malfoy.

And Draco Malfoy was constantly amused. Never had a person loathed him so much that their hair crackled with electricity whenever he was near. Never had someone had such a _passionate loathing_ for him. Maybe a strong dislike, but no passion. Hermione Granger was a different story entirely.

Was it just that she had a passion for everything she did? Was everything the average witch or wizard did magnified by a thousand? He hadn't a clue. But these were the things that kept him up at night. Because to tell you the truth (not that Draco Malfoy himself **ever** would), Draco had grown quite fond of this elf-loving, stubborn, know-it-all. He had grown so fond of pissing her off, he had actually grown fond of her company, her _persona_. She was a disease for him. She gave him insomnia and heart attacks and these horrible tummy troubles. And all these little illnesses were causing him far more annoyance than she herself ever had.

But, being Draco Malfoy, he had not a clue what any of this meant. He couldn't explain the reoccurring dreams of her sitting cross-legged in a field of daises in nothing but knickers. He couldn't explain the excessive need he had to talk to her. He couldn't explain why the way her brown eyes fixated on him when he was pushing her buttons made him melt. He couldn't explain why the way her hair caressed her cheeks made him want to kiss her. And thus, he couldn't explain what monstrosity happened next.

"You know Granger, maybe if you got your hair trimmed a little, you could be attractive." He said, licking his lips nervously as his eyes tried to pull at hers. She didn't look up.

"Oh, really? Well until then..."

"You're quite attractive now. Actually. Very attractive."

"Malfoy, I don't have time for these games, I really need to-"

And then a rather queer thing happened. Probably the queerest thing Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry may ever have seen.

Draco Malfoy began to sing. Well first to hum. Just a small backbeat. But it was enough to get that icy voice to change to something a little different. Or very different.

"_Hey Juliet..._"

Hermione gave him a quizzical look. From somewhere else in the library where the acoustics must have been relatively good, a group of four to six men echoed Draco's same words, but in pure exclamation."_Hey Juliet!_"

Draco proceeded to jump atop the table adjacent to the one at which Hermione was seated. He was dancing [i]and[/i] singing. Hermione remained seated, paralyzed with fear, amusement, and something else.

"_Hey I've been watching you/Every little thing you do_"

"Draco, this is really not the way to come out about stalking someone." Hermione reasoned in a relatively high-strung falsetto. People were beginning to stare. And laugh. Nervously.

Whispers of "Draco Malfoy has finally gone mad" floated around the room.

"_Every time I see you pass in my Dark Arts class/Makes my heart beat fast_" He sang while tapping his hand on his chest in beat with the song. He continued to grin doggishly at Hermione. Hermione continued to

_What is he doing._

_What is he DOING?_

"We don't even _have_ Defense Against the Dark Arts together!" Hermione Granger practically shrieked.

Yes, well, do that.

"_I've tried to page you twice/But I see you roll your eyes._"

Hermione Granger inwardly laughed at the magic related pun Draco hadn't even made to make.

Draco Malfoy proceeded to make everyone uncomfortable by pulling very feminine moves from the song. Hand on hips. Waggle of left finger. Roll of us. Blows kiss to the crowd. Insanity.

"_Wish I could make it real/But your lips are sealed, that ain't no big deal._"

And with that last line out, he gave a flirtatious, knowing wink to Hermione, who had begun to blush a profane shade of burgundy.

"I am perfectly comfortable being a virgin, Mr. Malfoy! I would prefer you not reference it in a sing-song manner, however!" Hermione cried. The library erupted into snickers. Hermione's blush deepened.

"'_Cause I know you really want me./I hear your friends talk about me!_"

_(Yeaaaah)_ bellowed the chorus that had to have been hiding amongst the shelves.

In a very flamboyant fashion, he parried to the left and pointed at Ginny Weasley, who was sitting at a table near the Forbidden Section, suffocating a smile. Hermione glared at her ever-ginger friend, slowly killing her with her mind. Or, at least, attempting to. _Spontaneously burst into flames._ Alas, her heat ray was apparently not working at the moment. _Malfoy's singing must have rendered my powers useless_, she thought sadly.

"_So why you trying to do without me?/When you got me,/Where you want me!_"

"Oh I'll get you where I want you!" Hermione fumed, staring at his nether-regions. Malfus castratum!, she mentally screamed. No such luck.

_(Hey Juliet!)_ Sang the chorus.

"_I think you're fine/You really blow my mind._" Crooned Draco Malfoy. All the while thinking, _This may be true, but I'd like you too blow other things. Occasionally._

"_Maybe someday, you and me can run away._"

"Draco Malfoy, I hope you aren't requesting we elope." _Hermione sighed. I'd much rather have a huge wedding.._., her subconscious mused. Subconsciously of course. Consciously, Hermione was considering much more trivial and mundane matters. Like how Draco Malfoy was serenading her in the middle of the Hogwart's library.

"_I just want you to know/I want to be you're Romeo._" He smiled, pointing at her.

_(Heeeey Juliet…)_

"_Hey Juliet!_" The chorus and Draco exclaimed together.

"Draco…" Hermione murmured, rubbing her temples with eyes shut. Draco threw himself off the table, onto the ground—crawling over to Hermiones side. On his knees, hands folded, he sang,

"_Girl you got me on my knees/Beggin' please, baby please._"

"How ironic." Hermione prodded verbally.

"_Got my best DJ on the radiowaves saying,_"

Draco Malfoy hopped up, twirled once, and pointed at the ceiling in very disco-esque manner before a voice from above droned,

"_Hey Juliet, why do you do him this way?_"

_Dumbledore had to have some part in this tragedy_, Hermione acussed. But she might as well keep the fun going.

"Draco, I don't do you at all." She sneered, rather loudly. Snickers were heard all about the room.

Backing up slowly, Draco ignored any comments made by the bushy-haired beast he had obviously fallen for, and continued to serenade said shrub.

"_Too far to turn around/So I'm gonna stand my ground./Gimme just a little bit of hope,/With a smile or a glance, gimme one more chance._" He sang, cocking brazen head to the side and winking. At Hermione Granger, of all people. Hermione, terrified, was looking away. But, of course, her body betrayed her and she did glance at him. And she did smile. And she did open a thousand doors she said she'd never open. But Draco remained unaware of those doors as he continued on.

"'_Cause I know you really want me/I hear your friends talk about me!/So why you tryin' to do without me?/When you got me,/Where you want me! Hey Juliet,/_

_I think you're fine/You really blow my mind./Maybe someday, you and me can run away/I just want you to know,/I wanna be your Romeo./Hey Juliet…_"

Hermione mouthed the words "I hate you." to Draco. Draco grinned. "I know." He mouthed in return.

"_I know you really want me/I hear your friends talk about me/So why you tryin' to do without me?/When you got me,/Where you want me._" He threw up his arms in confusion and shrugged his shoulders while looking at her. Hermione shook her head. Draco persisted,

"_You don't have to say forever/For us to hang together._" He let out, rapidly. He felt as though his plan was failing. Hermione felt as though she was falling. And neither one knew. So, the calamity that was Malfoy's singing continued. Now, with echoes from the chorus.

"_So hear me when I say,_"

Chorus and Malfoy together now: "_Hey Juliet!_"

And then another queer thing happened. Four incognito Slytherin boys popped out from behind the bookshelf next to the table at which this little show was happening. Each was dressed in a black suit with a green tie, a fedora atop their head, and a black mask. Each was wearing a sign. Each one said a different word. Together, they spelled out "Go Out With Malfoy". They danced around Draco boy-band style, while the bouncing ferret himself grinned amidst the 'N Sync impersonators. Maybe the S stood for Slytherin. Hermione had not a clue.

"_Hey Juliet/I think you're fine/You really blow my mind/Maybe someday, you and me can run away/I just want you to know/I wanna be your Romeo/Hey Juliet…_" Sang the chorus. Draco was now echoing every other word. And Hermione was now thinking. There was only one more chorus, right?

"_Hey Juliet/I think you're fine/You really blow my mind/Maybe someday, you and me can run away/I just want you to know/I wanna be your Romeo/Hey_[—ack-fl-cr-herm-st-neagh! Nrmmmmf!"

Hermione Granger had done the unthinkable. Hermione Granger had tackled the Slytherin Sex God himself. And was now lying atop him. In the middle of the Hogwart's library. Of all the sights…

"Pleh-nic-crum-hap-deh-mrrm…" Draco made the profoundest noises while Hermione's hand was cupped over his mouth. Finally, reaching up, he tore her hand away and sneered, "Well Granger you could've had some patience. I know you really want me, but honestly."

"I do not 'want' you!" She screamed. "You're singing is atrocious! You're concept is disturbing! You're ego is overwhelming! You're cologne is intoxicating…" She paused, sniffing the undeniably sexy Slytherin beneath her. Then, shutting her eyes, she punctuated her rant. "Stop brain washing me you senseless prat!"

"You're doing this completely by your own will Granger. I couldn't make you do anything if I tried. You're as stubborn as you're hair is ridiculous." Draco stated blandly, tucking a stray curl behind her ear without thinking. And then he did think about it. And about how much he liked it. And he realized he had no need to—think about it, that is. Who needed to think to feel? "Now while I do find this position quite…intriguing…I feel this is the inappropriate time and place for such ventures, and would appreciate it if you got the bloody hell off of me." He reasoned, watching the shade of Hermione's face turn from her regular rosy complexion to a brilliant vermillion.

Hermione huffed, but complied, and soon the pair was standing face to face. Hermione's arms were crossed. Draco's hands were in his pockets. The crowd's eyes were boring into them. They didn't notice. Well, Hermione did, but she tried not to.

"Well?" Hermione mumbled, not looking at Draco.

"Yes…?" Draco drawled, wanting to make her say it.

Hermione's eyes flashed up. Warm brown met cold, icy-blue.

"Wouldn't you think I'd want an explanation?"

"I wouldn't think you'd need one."

"Then why aren't you kissing me already?" Hermione said softly, biting her lip—as if she wasn't sure him and her were thinking the same thing.

"As much as I'd _love_ to, you haven't answered my question. So I refuse until said question is answered." He affirmed. Hermione quirked an eyebrow at him.

"What question?"

"Will you go out with me, Hermione Granger?" Draco asked, emphasizing every word in that way that he had.

Hermione stared. "No." She said.

"What?"

"I mean yes."

"What?"

"Nevermind."

"Yes or no, Granger, I don't have all bloody day." Draco snarled.

"Yes, Draco Malfoy, I will go out with you're egotistical, evil, horrible, handsome, wonderful, preposterous arse. Now snog me, please." Hermione uttered.

Draco Malfoy smirked. And what a mild-mannered smirk it was.

"Well, I don't know, I sort of feel another song coming on…"

"No more singing!" Hermione cried. "Think of the elves! There heads must have exploded by the second chorus…"

"Just one more song Hermione…I was thinking _It's Raining Men_ or passionate hip-hop rendition of _Build Me Up Buttercup_…what do you think, _love_?" Draco purred.

"I hate you." Hermione stated.

"I know." Draco smiled.

And thus, the snogging of Hermione Granger's life ensued.

_With that Draco Malfoy, if you'd believe!_


	2. The Snipe Hunt Part One

"You look gloriously exuberant tonight, Granger. Are you using a new shampoo?"

"Sod off, Malfoy."

It was Christmas time at Hogwarts, once again. On the snow-covered Qudditch pitch, two enemies stood meters away from another. A snow-blonde boy glanced slyly at the brunette to his right, who was shivering without even the slightest halt. Hermione, sensing Draco's smirk, frowned and cursed the fact she had not gone home for Christmas.

Hermione Granger, wrapped in a fitted pink-sweater, an over-sized cloak, and a far too-long scarf, stood, with feet planted firmly on the ground, in what she considered the exact center of the pitch. Draco Malfoy, in some kind of snazzy ensemble a house-elf had surely packed for him, plus the wool jacket he was so fond of, stood to her left, taking amusement in her freezing form.

"You know, if I was a—"

"Don't talk to me." Hermione stated, eyes fixated on something way up in the sky, beyond the stars and moon. Her curly brown hair fell back, her face exposed to the venomous cold. Even in the dark, Draco Malfoy could see the pink swell that was her cheek.

"I was simply going to—"

"What part of '_shut your bloody trap_' do you not get, you imbecilic git?" Hermione growled, her eyes shifting to the pale boy beside her. She wretched her head towards him. "I can't believe you followed me out her just to _annoy_ me, honestly, what is wrong with you?" She spat, her eyes glowering in the dim light of the moon above her head. Draco Malfoy stared in an unruffled manner, sardonically half-smiling at the brunette.

"Well?" She questioned impatiently. Draco Malfoy merely shook his head.

"So quick to assume I was following _you_, Granger, when, in fact, I was not." He clicked his tongue, as if 'tsk tsk'-ing her.

Hermione Granger glared at Mr. Malfoy, letting out a slight huff before rolling her eyes. "Then who _were_ you following, Draco? We're practically the only two people left on campus, and I didn't notice anyone else behind me, except yourself."

Draco smirked, eyes ice-blue eyes glittering under the shadow created by his thick mop of platinum hair. "If you knew I was behind you before we arrived at the pitch, then why didn't you say anything before? Why are you confronting me now, Granger?" With no answer from Hermione, Draco pressed further, smirk widening.

"It's as if you wanted me alone Granger. All to yourself."

Hermione flushed, eyes narrowing indignantly. Before she managed to open her mouth, Draco piped in with an added, "I mean I can hardly blame you, but Granger, if you wanted alone time with me, you could've just asked."

"I did not want to be _alone_ with you!" Hermione exclaimed, turning her body fully towards Draco now. She pointed her finger accusingly at him, inching her index finger closer and closer to his upturned nose as she stated, "I. Would. Never. Want. To be. Even. Near. You. Stupid. Ferret." She looked up into Draco's silver eyes, scowling. "I hate you with every fiber of my being, and you make me sick."

Not only had Hermione's finger actually reached the tip of Draco's nose, but her body had actually moved several feet forward. There was now less than a foot of space between the pair, and, though Draco would spend a good part of the rest of his life denying it, Draco was quite enjoying it.

Being so close to Hermione Granger, you learned several tings. First of all, her hair was not only extremely fluffy, but also frizzy, so if you were within even a foot of her, her hair would brush up against your face. Furthermore, her hair smelled strictly of lilac, not lavender—that was the perfume she used. Then there was the thing with her eyes—not only were they the richest shade of brown, but there was also a thin ring of gold surrounding her iris. The last, and most awful thing that Draco noticed in those seconds of examining her, was the elegant way her jaw swayed into her throat, and how perfectly shaped her lips were.

_Draco you smell like mint, lemon, and a little bit of redwood, what are you, some kind of mutant plant? Perhaps you should visit Professor Sprout in hopes for proper classification. Could you possibly be a rare Ferret Flower? Is that your first line of defense against starving magical beings? You turn into the amazing bouncing Ferret and bounce off into the forest? How very tactful of you. _Draco could practically hear her spitefully feminine voice articulate. He hoped she would, for it would be a great distraction from the feelings now arising in his chest. Not nausea, but something else.

He waited, staring over her head, off across the pitch. The stands were empty of spectators, and the banners were missing. Without the players, the Quidditch pitch was nude, and, for some reason, this insulted Draco. Slytherin Quidditch greatness should be celebrated all year round. He inhaled, and inwardly composing himself. Finally, he let out his breath, and with it, came the question, "Then why _did_ you allow me to follow you here, Granger? Surely not to bite my head off _now_. Even you aren't that hateful."

"I was hoping you were off to drown yourself in the lake." She snapped, lips twitching at the corners as her mouth closed. She wanted to smile, and he wanted her to smile. Which was ridiculous, he knew, considering the circumstances. Still.

Draco sighed, parrying away from her, staring off towards the front of the field. The wind had picked up, and the freezing air brushed blonde locks out of his eyes. He blinked, once, then twice. He shook his head to clear it, and rubbed his eyes. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he cocked his head towards the sky. Hermione merely stood and watched, mouth ajar. _He can't actually be…upset, can he?_ Hermione wondered, watching the flaxen-haired boy consider something unseen to her. She took a step towards Draco, unsure of what to do or say next. So, she went with the most honest thing that popped into her head, which was a simple question.

"What _are_ you doing out here then?"

Draco's eyes flickered to Hermione for a brief second before refocusing on the sky. How long had they been out here? It couldn't have been more than a half hour, but it felts like it had been eons. He considered carefully what his reply to her question would be. He hadn't been following her initially; he had been going to the lake for lack of anything better to do. But then _she_ was in front of him, and he just _had_ to see what she was up to. So here they were. But no way Draco Malfoy would admit that.

Suddenly, an idea popped into his head. He fought the urge to smirk. His mouth twitched, and his eyes flickered to Hermione once more. She couldn't possibly…_I mean she is just a stupid mud-blood, we might as well have a bit of fun with it, _thought Draco the evil gears in his head turning. _Just spook her a little; maybe apologize, if I want. Probably not,_ he chuckled inwardly. Finally, nonchalantly, he let out the falsified answer he had thought up.

"I was going on a snipe hunt."

And thus, the bait was set. The wheel was in motion. And Draco, holding back the evil smile he felt coming on, was ecstatic. _Who thought a night with Hermione Granger could actually, possibly, be fun._


End file.
